A woman went to the doctor’s office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.
One week later, she and her husband to the doctor’s office.
The doctor took the husband aside and told him, “Sir, I’m afraid I have some bad news.
We accidentally mixed your wife’s blood sample with another patient’s, and we have no idea whose is whose.
The bad news is one has Alzheimer’s disease, and the other had AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all sorted out.”
The man looked scared and said, “That’s terrible, doc, what should I do until then?”
“Well, when you’re driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house. If she makes it home, don’t have sex with her!”

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion.
One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

The Difference between a Psychotic and Neurotic.
A psychotic thinks that two and two are five. A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.

The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.

"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.

The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.

"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.

Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians, health care managers and other humanitarians.
7. Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
8. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
9. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. • On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
• The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

A man goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"

"Why Doc?" he asked. "Am I going blind?"

"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"